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Conflicting emotions

It seems that I’m slowly falling into the charms of this person and I’m falling and falling and at times hitting the bumps of uncertainty. Is it still hard for me to believe that I can feel this way again after so long of being dormant of these emotions or am I just nervous that there are others that want him like I do . Now in a way I understand how u feel when the person ur interested in lives so far away and it’s hard to go see them but u know the females that surround him may not have the same respect u do. I never in a million years thought that in one night I could become the panda with extreme morales and standards to being the panda that gets caught up in amazin moments, it’s not a matter of regret cause I don’t think I could ever regret that night but it might be more of making sure where I stood amongst the others in line before doing it….

Its been forever…yet nothing new.

tumblr. used to be my number one and i think ive failed you in some way… anyway its been long long ago sense blue has left and the satisfaction is amazing. my room is 50% back to normal and school is … interesting to say the least it feels like and is class computer/studying, class, then home its really nice cause if I’m not working i have the whole day to myself like a boss. but things in the normal have been stressful, like financial things and wants  and needs needing to be separated a lot more then i though they would but I’m looking forward to Scarowinds which is my other seasonal job which i will be bringing in more money which will being relief to a lot of things. I hope that i do well in school and get my grades to the level so i can transfer and get decent scholarships so i can get out of this place, it seems like everyone is moving forward and yes I’m going to school but nothing has changed, i feel like this point in my life i should be experiencing a life change u know moving into a dorm buying new dorm stuff living on campus and experiencing campus life, roommates, late nights out with the new people you’ve met… but i haven’t gotten there yet. the positives i see them but i selfishly want more and in a way feel bad for it. i understand some individuals would kill to have at least a little of what i have in the case of going to school and still living at home, and have a more or less functioning car but again i feel in a way still stuck in my old life when at this point i want something new.

Dark sunny day…

Getting my first mcdonalds pay check tommorow and then my day care paycheck on friday so i should be set for prom and i don’t have to ask mom and dad for any money which makes me feel a load tons better. even though its not my fault the stress that is brewing in the house is a thich dense fog that could be cut with a knife. even with 39 days left i feel like i am slowly slipping from reality of what is right and wrong and let my fustration out on her. Working two jobs as really relaxed me but being home yesterday sense i had a day off and i found myself in imidiate fight bitch mode… i hate coming home and not wanting to be there becuase of blue. i should look at my home and feel like its a place of comfort but i just see it as a place of touture… the days are passing by and i find that we are all hanging by a spiders thread


working two jobs and coming home late to find blue sleeping iritates me… i think i need meds or something or therapy for being iritated at someone who is sleeping. i think its her face, becuase when i look at her i feel this murderous intent that seems overwelming. im graduating soon and i can’t wait my exams are this week and then im done with college and after that ill be turning 18 its super awsome. but like it says on my blog profile i still have too many days to go and still so much patients to be mastered…

i set myself on fire just to guide you, i’ll be your torch in the night so i can light your way, break myself into pieces just to bind you, i’d tear myself apart so i can watch you fade…
Blacklisted Me: Emerald Eyes
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